Here's the thing.. I was a girl. A girl just like every other girl out there. I was given life. I was given a life where I didn't realize how many struggles and curve balls would try to throw me off track. I have always been very charismatic and always thought to put other people's feelings/thoughts before my own. I fought through every obstacle life decided to throw my way.. I may have been knocked down, geared off the right track or maybe even taken down a detour... but I always found my way back. I HAD to find my way back. This is part ONE of where I come from, where I was able to figure out what my calling in life was. It is how I was able to stay focused, determined and set my mind to achieving things in life that my family never had even imagined. You will find below that I lacked support, I had no sense of direction, I set out on this journey blindfolded. I set out on this journey never knowing what could happen, all the friends and/or family members who I would lose along the way, but praying for a better tomorrow... I may not be where I want to be just yet... but I know for sure, I am on the right track!
When I was growing up, things were very hectic. Our family life was far from normal. We would up and move from state to state, city to city due to lack of financial resources, or any type of hardships arising. In my eyes now, I felt like my family ran away from the problems instead of finding ways to resolve them. It’s never easy when you’re a child and you have absolutely no say in where you live or what you do throughout the younger years of your life. I felt like I missed out on a lot as a child.
When I was growing up, things were very hectic. Our family life was far from normal. We would up and move from state to state, city to city due to lack of financial resources, or any type of hardships arising. In my eyes now, I felt like my family ran away from the problems instead of finding ways to resolve them. It’s never easy when you’re a child and you have absolutely no say in where you live or what you do throughout the younger years of your life. I felt like I missed out on a lot as a child.
My mom spent the younger years of my life raising us four girls alone most of the time. It was a lot for her to handle at times as she needed to work to provide for us and it was stressful being a sometime "Single Mother" but she did the best she could and I know that very much… With our family only sometimes bringing in a single paycheck for us to survive, with 5 and 6 (when my step-father would be home) money only goes so far. There was a time that we struggled so badly, we had no other choice but to go to a local women's shelter to stay until my mother was able to get back on her feet with some sort of income. Thinking back and seeing of all the homes/apartments we were evicted form due to lack of financial resources, it really tears me apart.
I was never really close with my siblings and mostly kept to myself. My older half-sister would rebel and say my mom was favoring me and get into all kinds of trouble. I was a good kid, I didn't like to get in trouble and I hated confrontation so I would normally just do what I needed to do and do what kids were supposed to do as we were reminded quite frequently, “be seen and not heard.” My sister, since she was being rebellious and acting out of lack of attention I am assuming, would always make comments about me. She would scream and fight with my mother, asking her why she will never tell me that our father was not my biological father. This is something that completely destroyed me.. I remember the night it happened like it was yesterday... my mom and sister were screaming and shouting. She would scream, "Tell Stephaine she's not dad's real child." I remember laying in bed crying and shaking because I didn't do anything and yet I felt like my sister was throwing me into a pack of wolves and my life was just collapsing in front of me.. Hearing these things for the first time when you're only ten or eleven years old, this stuff is really not something you should be hearing. You're not grown up enough to comprehend it, and it really breaks you apart mentally. I think this incident really scarred me and caused me a lot of doubt in myself and felt like I wasn't welcomed in this family. It wasn't until I was 21 years old that for the VERY FIRST time my mother ever told me that I was not my step-father's biological child.
After dealing with the struggles of “me being favored” there were some ridiculous incidents that occurred, that completely turned my life upside down. I went from getting attention, to getting very little attention. I felt like I was on my own. Red head step child/black sheep, yep that was me. There were days where I questioned whether or not I actually belonged in this family. My sister had it made. She got the attention, all eyes were on her. When my mom would defend me, I was referred to as a mistake and it completely killed my self-confidence, and I hated everything about my life. I couldn't handle much more and didn't really see a way out of this mess.
Growing up we moved a lot, as I mentioned above. The most we stayed in one place was only four years while I was still living with my parents. There was one point where I attended 3 different schools in one year. Talk about stress on a child. After returning from Tennessee after completing 7th grade, we were finally back in PA for what I had hoped would be a permanent thing. But who knew with this family. We started yet again another new school. I knew some people from here since we previously lived in this school district. What sucked is, all the kids that use to make fun of me and my sister, were in this school district so I had to deal with that. I am one of those people who is EXTREMELY sensitive and always take things to heart, (to this day I am still that same way). But I dealt with it and tried to ignore them the best I could. I remember my best friend from 3-4 grade was still attending this school and it was nice to have a familiar face who I could connect with again. Although she wasn't the same person she was 5 years before, she had changed a lot and was doing things I never even thought of. But because I wanted to be accepted by someone at this point, I started to do what she was doing. I would drink and smoke just to be accepted by her and her friends. I did this all because I thought this was the only way I would be able to continue hanging out with them. I felt this was the only way I would be liked. What I didn't know at the time is I wasn't being myself, not even a little bit. I was hopeless, lost and craving the attention.
Yet again the school year passes so quickly, and it was tryout season for cheering squad and dance team. I tried out for the cheering squad but unfortunately did not make it, so I went ahead and tried for the dance team with some friends I had met over the months. I made the dance team and was so ecstatic and couldn't wait to go home and tell my mom. Then of course, the dreadful news, I couldn't join the team because we were moving. Yet again. It was devastating to me for never being able to do something that I was so passionate about because our lives were packed up in boxes, loaded into the u-haul and moved away once again. All I was hoping for was for one time where I could move to a school, be accepted, make friends and enjoy the extra curricular activities like every other child. Beginning a new school, HIGH SCHOOL, at that, being the new kid was terrifying. This is the time when people start developing themselves and finding out round about who they are. I really had no idea what was in store for me with this new beginning.....
Please note, I am not complaining about my lifestyle. It was FAR from picture perfect and probably was not the worst case scenario.. I am simply putting this out there because all of these occurences tore me apart. They left me helpless, hopeless, defeated and everything in between... I had no clear vision of where my life was going to take me. One thing I do know now, is that I came out on top. Please stick around for Part II being released in the next couple days!
Yet again the school year passes so quickly, and it was tryout season for cheering squad and dance team. I tried out for the cheering squad but unfortunately did not make it, so I went ahead and tried for the dance team with some friends I had met over the months. I made the dance team and was so ecstatic and couldn't wait to go home and tell my mom. Then of course, the dreadful news, I couldn't join the team because we were moving. Yet again. It was devastating to me for never being able to do something that I was so passionate about because our lives were packed up in boxes, loaded into the u-haul and moved away once again. All I was hoping for was for one time where I could move to a school, be accepted, make friends and enjoy the extra curricular activities like every other child. Beginning a new school, HIGH SCHOOL, at that, being the new kid was terrifying. This is the time when people start developing themselves and finding out round about who they are. I really had no idea what was in store for me with this new beginning.....
TO BE CONTINUED.
Please note, I am not complaining about my lifestyle. It was FAR from picture perfect and probably was not the worst case scenario.. I am simply putting this out there because all of these occurences tore me apart. They left me helpless, hopeless, defeated and everything in between... I had no clear vision of where my life was going to take me. One thing I do know now, is that I came out on top. Please stick around for Part II being released in the next couple days!
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